Okay, so Ive been increasingly thinking about about boys and how what if my whole idea of what guys are is wrong. Like what if none of them are the sweet loving kind of guy i've been looking for my whole life. this idea scares me so much it's ridiculous because the only thing i really want out of life is to know that i was loved and that i loved. but if no guys out there can be trusted how can i ever find that. and don't get me wrong i know tons of really sweet guys but in the back of my mind i'm kind of alway wondering is it just an act so they can get girls. i surely hope not and i don't honestly think the i feel this way it's just make overactive mind running away on a dangerous path of destruction.
the other misconception i think i have about the opposite gender is that they are a super hard to obtain (which i guess I've alway had in the back of my mind just never really paid attention to it but now i am and it super frustrating) I've been trying to convince myself that this isn't true and that any guy i choose to like will be lucky and blah blah blah.... but that's not as easy as it sounds. I've gotten into this mind set that any guy i like probably doesn't like me because every time I've really liked someone and I've put myself out there i i feel like i'll alway get let down. so i think my mind has gone into this mindset where it's like you really like this guy so he probably doesn't like you so just don't really try. and it's not like every guy i like has flat out rejected me it just that he doesn't like me in that way so you feel like your not good enough when maybe it's just he didn't know you liked him so he didn't want to get hurt by liking you. who know...well they do but i'm to freaking chicken to ask straight out. i think my biggest fear is being rejected and that why I've only truly put myself out there once. i've been trying really hard to change this way of thinking but so far it's only been working for short periods of time and then i start thinking and i freak myself out and it's just no good for anyone. ugh!!!!
in other news i've discovered i can't flirt. like for most people flirting seems to come super naturally for me I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA HOW!!!! i'm not the type of person who's going to act stupid to get someone to like me and even if i was i don't know what kind of stupid is flirting and which is just being a dumbass. i've been trying to learn how to and the stuff people are telling me sound easy but i have no idea how to start without looking like a complete fool and the idea of do that makes me realize how truly shy and awkward i am. but oh well heres hoping i don't feel so painfully shy tomorrow because i'm going to try to maybe ask out this guy i know. (pray for me....)
as always Stay Positive
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