So I've been thinking..

Okay, so Ive been increasingly thinking about about boys and how what if my whole idea of what guys are is wrong. Like what if none of them are the sweet loving kind of guy i've been looking for my whole life. this idea scares me so much it's ridiculous because the only thing i really want out of life is to know that i was loved and that i loved. but if no guys out there can be trusted how can i ever find that. and don't get me wrong i know tons of really sweet guys but in the back of my mind i'm kind of alway wondering is it just an act so they can get girls. i surely hope not and i don't honestly think the i feel this way it's just make overactive mind running away on a dangerous path of destruction.
the other misconception i think i have about the opposite gender is that they are a super hard to obtain (which i guess I've alway had in the back of my mind just never really paid attention to it but now i am and it super frustrating) I've been trying to convince myself that this isn't true and that any guy i choose to like will be lucky and blah blah blah.... but that's not as easy as it sounds. I've gotten into this mind set that any guy i like probably doesn't like me because every time I've really liked someone and I've put myself out there i i feel like i'll alway get let down. so i think my mind has gone into this mindset where it's like you really like this guy so he probably doesn't like you so just don't really try. and it's not like every guy i like has flat out rejected me it just that he doesn't like me in that way so you feel like your not good enough when maybe it's just he didn't know you liked him so he didn't want to get hurt by liking you. who know...well they do but i'm to freaking chicken to ask straight out. i think my biggest fear is being rejected and that why I've only truly put myself out there once. i've been trying really hard to change this way of thinking but so far it's only been working for short periods of time and then i start thinking and i freak myself out and it's just no good for anyone. ugh!!!!
in other news i've discovered i can't flirt. like for most people flirting seems to come super naturally for me I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA HOW!!!! i'm not the type of person who's going to act stupid to get someone to like me and even if i was i don't know what kind of stupid is flirting and which is just being a dumbass. i've been trying to learn how to and the stuff people are telling me sound easy but i have no idea how to start without looking like a complete fool and the idea of do that makes me realize how truly shy and awkward i am. but oh well heres hoping i don't feel so painfully shy tomorrow because i'm going to try to maybe ask out this guy i know. (pray for me....)
as always Stay Positive

A New Chapter of My Life

Well blog, my head now smells like that God awful chemical women use to stain their hair. As of last night my hair is now a much darker shade of brown than it has been in years. i have been one of those girls who has dyed her her pretty much every color in the rainbow and had some crazy hairstyle -- most of which I regret -- but these past few years i've let my hair get back to it natrual mousy brown but yesterday afternoon as i was shopping for some new shampoo I turned around to find a wall of so many hair colors i could resist. I stood i front of this wall thinking what do i want my new look to be. did i want to be the ditzy blonde or that smart powerful brunette or the sassy little redhead? i finally landed on this really pretty brown. i went home to apply the mixture -- that probably damages your hair so much it's ridiculous to use it but we do (that's america for you) -- to my hair after 25 minutes i had a massive headache and really dark hair.
On another -- less superficial-- note i have decided to get back into cooking!!! for awhile i was super into cooking every i made at least one thing we ate. for some reason --i'm not sure why prolly cause i got a job/got lazy -- i fell out of it but i'm planning on getting bakc on track. right now i have some potatos in the oven steaks on the grill and mushrooms on the stove. it's gonna be a good meal and i'm stoked cause i'm starving. hope everyone had a great night but i have go get ready to chow down.
Stay Positive!!!

so marks the beginning

I am 17 years old I have never been in a relationship let's face i've never even been kissed. In my whole life I have known of only 4 people who have liked me in that way. (none have worked out.) My whole life i have been fairly confident, i understand that i am pretty and i think i have an okay personality, but lately i have been questioning these things. the thing that is making me question my apperance is quite honestly just jealousy. the greened eyed monster has been gnawing away at my self esteem for quite sometime now. as i see people walking around in the lastest fashions i find myself think oh i wish i could look that good or i wish people would look at me that way but as i've been trying to understand lately looks are not the most important thing so moving on! i've always questioned if my personality is a good one. i mean i think i'm funny and nice (most of the time) but sometimes it seems like i don't have many friends. don't get me wrong the friends i have a great and i love them it just doesn't seem like i have anyone who i can just call up to see if they want to hang out. that might also have to do with i over think things way to much but whatever. it's always seemed like to me anyway that once i start to get to know someone they kinda start distancing themselves but i can never tell if that's my over active imagination or if it's really happening.

The good thing about this tho is it's making me realize I'm placing to much of my happiness on other people, and that i need to focus more on what makes me happy (which right now i'm not really sure what that is). So heres what i just decided i'm going to take this next year -- yes i understand it's not the new year yet but i don't want this to be a new year resolution -- just do what i want. i'm going to try not to think about things to much and just be spontaneous. right now i'm going to go call one of my local tattoo shops to see about getting my frist tattoo.